To Learn Beside the Wall

(written in my journal 2-24-07 but reflected on today)

Sometimes the forces of life are more powerful than all our urges and desires. Our wants are like pebbles thrown feebly against a formidable sandstorm's gale.

Pushing up against it is futile, yet we obstinately cry -- I am as David against Goliath! I have the right to win! In fact --I must! Push. Push. Push. To be said -- valiant... noble... brave? Or bullheaded? Only time and the majority's conclusions can tell.

Sometimes, however strange it may sound, bowing to the ocean's crashing tide is more noble and brave than swimming against its current. Surrender is not necessarily defeat. It's worth is hinged on two things -- coming from one root: Motivation.

Motivation. Your heart, your soul's compass, presents the key for one specific lock. Ego has many keys to various locks, but they open to find the same dank, darkness of the unfulfillable dressed up deceptively as the occasional gift of swaying temporal triumph.

Motivation. Victim or Observer? If one is motivated to find pain - as Ekard Tole calls the pain body -- then one's quest is to be the victim and one shall struggle against any brick wall with a stick of vivacious zeal and howl as the stick breaks

Ah! Evil life! I defy you!

And with bare bloody hands, one scratches up the wall until standing triumphantly at the top crying

Aha. I won! I beat the odds against me! I am great!

Such victory. Such valor. And the wall is still there. It is unmoved, undamaged, unruffled. The victim to the victorious? Just an extra spark of importance. But the wall has neither idea nor care about this.

Perhaps motivated by this story one shall seek out the next place where surely one shall be victimized yet again to show the world one's greater force. And eventually enemies shall be found at every stop sign, office floor, and grocery story whether they know who this seeking, seething victim/victor staring them down really is or not.

Straw enemies. Faked for the urge.

Motivation. Victim or Observer? For the open observer of the journey the foot of the wall is just as interesting and revealing as the top. The edge of the sea as fulfilling as the deep. The exploring observer connects with the Universe's wisdom and asks

Show me.

There is no need to be right but to learn.

Out of the Maze

Almost a year's gone by since last I wrote. Many things have changed. Some have stayed the same but seem different from a new perspective. When a loved one grows ill and dies it's like you're caught in a maze and it takes a long long time to get out of it. Sometimes you dont want to get out of it, because you think you'll never get back to the place where they are. Well, there is in fact no way back. If it took me another year to get back to the place where my mom was breathing and smiling and sitting up and being alive, well if that were possible, it would never be the same, anyway.

I cherish the moments I had with her. What a joyous experience to have known her. How lucky I was to have her in my life. Everyday I walk this earth is blessed by her having been in my life.

I am out of the Maze and I am amazed.